Breaking News, The CEO Parent, and the anti-self-help book.
Breaking News!! Teenage girl does not want her mom to accompany her on a school trip to Washington DC and NYC over the summer.
My wife stormed into my office this morning with this groundbreaking headline. To be fair, compared to the events that are reported as Breaking News today by the media, this actually may qualify. Journalism is on life support and we’re probably about a decade away from robots (artificial intelligence) writing all news articles anyway. What I predict will happen is that rather than a single headline or news article, content-creating artificial intelligence algorithms will spit out very personal, very specific articles and headlines just for you. It will be the news you want to read, in the tone you want to hear. It’s already happening now with memes and click-bait, and the next logical evolution is entire articles moving in that direction. Rest assured, ShakeTheBull will always be written by human hands. 100% robot-free since 2020.
Speaking of parenting, it’s a strange feeling when you do not have to. Our kids are getting older, and the days of constant day-to-day, hour-by-hour parenting have passed us by. Our kids are good kids, involved in activities, make good grades, have good friends, and by all accounts are kind people. On any given week, we really do not have to do a ton of parenting to do. The kids spend a decent part of their day in self-driving mode.
Today, we are basically poorly paid chauffeurs, personal chefs, the world’s greatest ATM, and an on-demand life coach. We are busier than we ever were when the kids were young, but we do less, but our impact is bigger.
A similar thing happens as you move up the professional ladder. The more you move up, the less you do, but the decisions become that much more important. If you are a doer, this can be hard to figure out, or at least it was for me early in my career. As leaders, and as parents, you have to learn to channel your energy differently and the skills that got you to that very spot, probably are now detrimental to your role. Those transitions can be hard and it’s a big reason why Peter keeps getting fired.
Just do the opposite. There is no shortage of techniques, self-help books, life coaches, and step-by-step programs out there for you to buy to try to improve yourself. It doesn’t matter if you are trying to be a better dad, salesperson, cook, or parent, in about 47 seconds you can have a truckload of material delivered to your door promising to give you a blueprint to becoming better. It’s one of the most bizarre aspects of our generation that would be hard to explain to people in ancient Rome. Imagine giving Marcus Aurelius access to that level of information instantly when he wrote Meditations. Would he even still write it, or would he be busy trying to figure out what a parachute is, much less what color it should be?
Most of these books come down to two basic concepts: Short-term sacrifice for long-term benefit and establishing a pattern. The truth is, that every quality you want to improve can be done using that two-step approach. However, there is a better, perhaps easier way to improve that is rarely mentioned.
Instead of trying to find patterns to follow, look around at people (or companies) who have traits you do not like, and do the opposite. Seek out and find as many anti-patterns as you can. When you find them, think about what decisions those people would make and do it differently, sometimes the complete opposite.
To me, anti-patterns have been more useful than patterns. Patterns are hard to personalize. Different situations, different contexts, and false narratives make it difficult to apply them to your life today. It’s nice to read about the people who live off of $500/month, 30g of carbs, and exercise 14 hours a week all while launching a $1M/year blog, but how in the world do they do all that with two kids, three jobs, and an entire network of friends and family who like to drink a few beers every weekend? I mean, have they ever even eaten a cookie?
Self-help books filled with patterns are filtered. They are post-rationalization, not contemporary. They are not as real. They are marketing.
Behaviors, on the other hand, are more tangible. The negative ones are harder to spin because it does not matter as much. Behaviors are the Nos. Nos are better than Yeses. Behaviors combine all the context into one event.
The truth is, it’s easier to find anti-patterns for the average person than it is for patterns. It may be a struggle to figure out what you want to be, but you can look around and find people you do not want to be fairly easy. Bad habits and behaviors are so commonplace in the average group of people, that those who do the most basic things consistently stand out. Constant education, being good parents, helping your fellow neighbors, and keeping your body healthy should be the default behaviors of every human, yet when we run across people who do them all, they stand out as exceptions.
Humans are inherently flawed, but each of us is flawed uniquely. Use those unique flaws in others to eliminate the choices you make for yourself. Focus more on what you do not want to become, or be, and less on what you do.